If you’ve tried EMDR before and walked away thinking, “That didn’t really work for me,” you’re not alone.
Maybe you went through several sessions and didn’t notice much change. Maybe you felt like you were just moving your eyes back and forth without actually processing anything. Maybe you became overwhelmed, shut down, felt disconnected, or found yourself thinking, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing.” Or maybe EMDR simply didn’t feel like it was getting to the heart of what was happening for you.
That doesn’t necessarily mean EMDR isn’t right for you. Sometimes, the way EMDR is approached matters. In my practice, I incorporate EMDR with attachment theory and ego state/parts work. This allows us to look beyond the traumatic event itself and pay attention to the different parts of you that developed in response to your experiences.
EMDR Is More Than Just Bilateral Stimulation
EMDR is often described as a therapy where you think about a traumatic memory while following a light, tapping, or other form of bilateral stimulation. And yes, bilateral stimulation is part of EMDR. But the process is much more nuanced than that. Trauma isn't simply stored as a story in your brain that needs to be "deleted." Experiences can affect your beliefs about yourself, your relationships, your nervous system, and the ways you respond to situations that remind you of the past. You may intellectually know: “I'm safe now.” But another part of you may still feel: “I'm not safe.”Or: “I have to keep everyone happy.” “If I make a mistake, something bad will happen.” “I can't trust people.” “I have to handle everything myself.” These reactions often make a lot more sense when we understand the protective parts of you that developed along the way.
What Does Attachment Have to Do With EMDR?
A lot. Our earliest relationships help shape how we understand ourselves and other people. If you experienced consistent safety, responsiveness, and connection, you may have developed an internal expectation that relationships can be safe and that your needs matter.
But if important relationships were unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, critical, frightening, or inconsistent, you may have learned something very different.
You might have learned to:
Stay small so you don't upset anyone.
Become hyper-independent.
Read everyone's mood before speaking.
Take responsibility for other people's emotions.
Avoid conflict at all costs.
Work incredibly hard to earn approval.
Disconnect from your feelings.
Become the "good kid."
Never need anything from anyone.
These strategies often served an important purpose. They helped you get through what you were experiencing. The problem is that something that protected you as a child may not be particularly helpful in your adult life.
Working With the Different Parts of You
This is where ego state work, or parts work, can become particularly helpful. Rather than viewing your reactions as irrational or something you need to simply "get rid of," we can become curious about them. You might have a part of you that is terrified of making mistakes. Another part that wants everything perfectly organized and under control. A part that wants to run away when someone gets emotionally close. A part that is constantly scanning for danger. A part that feels angry. A younger part that still feels hurt, scared, or alone. And you may also have parts that are exhausted from trying to keep everything together. These parts aren't necessarily the problem. They often developed because they were trying to solve a problem.
What Happens When a Part Doesn't Feel Safe Enough to Process?
Sometimes people try EMDR and become overwhelmed. Other people can't seem to access the memory at all. Some people become completely numb or disconnected. And some people find themselves analyzing everything intellectually rather than actually feeling anything. Instead of pushing through that response, I want to understand it. If a protective part of you is saying, “Absolutely not. We are not going there,” that's important information. We can slow down. We can get curious. We can work with that part. We can build enough safety and trust that the part doesn't feel like it has to work quite so hard to protect you. The goal isn't to overpower your protective parts. It's to help them feel understood.
Your Brain May Know You're Safe. Your Body May Not.
One of the things I love about combining attachment-focused work, ego state work, and EMDR is that it allows us to work with the different layers of an experience. You may know that you're an adult now. You may know that your parent can't hurt you anymore. You may know that your current relationship is healthy. You may know that your boss isn't your critical parent. And yet, your nervous system can still respond as though the old threat is happening right now. That's where trauma work can become less about “Why am I still reacting this way?” and more about: “What happened to me, and what part of me is still trying to protect me?” That shift can make a significant difference.
What If Your Previous EMDR Experience Didn't Work?
If you've tried EMDR before and didn't find it helpful, you don't have to assume you've failed at therapy. You also don't have to assume that EMDR simply isn't for you. There are many reasons someone may not respond to EMDR in the way they hoped. The therapeutic relationship, pacing, preparation, the specific protocol being used, the target being addressed, and the person's ability to stay within their window of tolerance can all matter. Sometimes the work needs to happen differently. Sometimes we need to spend more time building safety before processing trauma. Sometimes we need to understand the protective parts that are getting in the way. And sometimes the most important work isn't processing the obvious traumatic event at all. It may be understanding the attachment wounds, beliefs, or earlier experiences underneath it.
You Don't Have to Start From Scratch
If you've already tried EMDR, you don't need to walk into therapy pretending that experience didn't happen. Bring it with you. Tell me what worked. Tell me what didn't. Tell me if you felt overwhelmed, bored, disconnected, frustrated, skeptical, or like you were just going through the motions. That information can help us understand what your system needs.
My approach to EMDR is collaborative, attachment-informed, and individualized. I don't believe there is one way that everyone needs to do trauma therapy. Sometimes healing means going directly toward the memory. Sometimes it means slowing down and getting to know the parts of you that aren't ready. And sometimes it means doing both.
You are not broken because EMDR didn't work the first time. You may simply need an approach that makes more room for the whole you.If you're looking for an EMDR therapist in Issaquah, WA, and you've tried EMDR before without getting the results you hoped for, I'd be happy to talk with you about what was helpful, what wasn't, and whether a different approach might be a better fit.